ok, so i thought i could just leave a cryptic goodbye post and be done with it. this journal had been enmeshed in way too much lj and rl drama, and i needed to step away. i thought it might be temporary, but within a few days, i knew it was for good. my new shell felt more like home. and this, a graveyard for memories good and bad.

if you haven't heard from me, please don't take it personally. well, for most of you anyway. some of you, yeah, it's personal. *drama* har!

i needed to step away form certain situations and the people connected to them, somewhat trivial in some cases, but still they were triggers and i needed to cut them off.

there is one person i have had a very hard time maintaining my secrecy from. i thought that perhaps those triggering situations would pass and i could reveal myself and ask her back into my life. unfortunately, recent events have transpired and she's done more damage than i've ever seen her do before... and this was from the great cut off distance of my new hermitage.

it hurts me to see what is happening between two of the best friends i've ever had in this world. but at the same time, seeing it go down reminds me precisely why i didn't let her in on what was going on with me in regards to shannon.

if i didn't understand her so well, i'd be angry. alas, i'm only furstrated and saddened. i wish i had the strength and patience to intervene. but i don't. like i told jenni, if i were to step into the ring, i'd only end up breaking things instead of breaking them up.

this last weekend in phoenix was a wake up call to that. friday night my abilities were pushed to their limits, and i was drained near to empty. i have a feeling that the next day, that empty feeling inside wasn't just from being hungover and digesting silly string.

having to deal with ellie constantly. having to come to terms with and accept aspects of myself that arose with shannon. facing up to the reality that my father is just as fucked up as anyone else. this has all been too much to handle, and the drama (albeit virtual) that i read here day in and day out was taking up too much of my energy.

as much as i love some of you, i just had to step away and shake off any distraction from myself.

so, consider this my official "the end" post. though for some of you it's only "see ya later..." and hopefully eventually for more of you still as i come to cope with shit.

meantime, i'm sorry.

especially madi, i'm sorry. and please please don't fuck things up beyond repair. be careful. because we fucking love you and this shit hurts. for some reason, every bit of drama in my life that has involved you has revolved around some sort of great misunderstanding. this is not an exception. be careful of those bridges that you're burning, love. that's all i can really say. this isn't my fight, but it is my concern as i love you both dearly.

ok, waving goodbye now! (ok, it's still somewhat cryptic, but at least... well, whatever. har! i'm out. if you look, you can find me.)

"Maybe I ain't used to
Maybes smashing in a cold room
Cutting my hands up every time I touch you

Maybe it's time to wave goodbye now
Time to wave goodbye now..."

*poof*

;)

not much new to say, just working and playing video games. the WoW servers (at least Mannoroth) have been getting overcrowded and lagged oft beyond playability. sucks. however, we did pick up some games for the ps2. although now it's a matter of fighting over who gets to play what when :p hehe

any of y'all ever play the old Bard's Tale games? my brother and i used to spend countless hours playing those when we were little. we had an old Commodore 64. must've played those through several times each. we still laugh thinking about those epic Herb battles in BT2 lol! anyhoo, a new The Bard's Tale came out for the ps2, so i picked up a copy. played for a couple hours last night. i'm so used to mmorpg camera angles and mobility that i'm spoiled though hehe, gonna take some getting used to the top-down perspective. plus i don't usually play console games, so that's a strange thing to get used to as well. but it's fun. i openned the game by killing a fire breathing rat and then bedding down with the busty widow who runs the inn lol.

my hives are still here, but i think they're on the way out. i hope. ugh. it's been almost a week now. fecking annoying.

oh, and i forgot to mention, last week we had a customer in who was really familiar to me... when he was checking out, i saw his name on his credit card. turns out i went to elementary and junior high school with the guy when i lived in los angeles! small fuckin world. that was a real trip. we chatted it up a bit and got a kick out of that.

that's all. mata ne.

Current Mood: blah

first, the big news.

Jared is back from Thailand. alive and well. haven't had the chance to talk to him yet, but my brother said he called. he and his wife are both fine, and it was a different Jared i found on that list. he was never injured. but they did experience some major shit.

they were scuba diving when the tsunami hit. they were staying at one of the resorts in Phuket and happened to be out on a dive that day. they were under water when it came, so it pretty much swept right over them. they couldn't have been much luckier. when they came up from under and steered that boat back towards land, everything was destroyed. they had to wait on the boat for two days, floating amidst debris and dead bodies as far as they could see. i can only imagine.

good to have them home. they're up in phoenix for the weekend, but hopefully we'll get to hang out soon.

...

in other news...

i had an allergic reaction to something. who knows what. broke out in hives on the back of my hands and my forearms thursday. they're starting to itch now. i hope that means they're healing. taking benedryl. also fasted today and drank copious amounts of green tea and raw honey to help flush my system out. i think i OD'ed on nuts. been eating a shitload this past week or two. got hella cashews, almonds, and sunflower seeds from the bulk aisle at sunflower and i kinda went crazy lol. that's the only thing i could think of as being the trigger.

...

nothing else to report, so without further ado... the answers to the two "10 things about me" memes i posted the day before LJ crashed hehe...

( normal 10 things... )

( drunken 10 things... )

Current Mood: relieved

hooray for Battlestar Galactica marathons on SciFi channel on my day off :D woot woot!

can't wait for the premier of the new series tonight (woops hahaha... today's not friday. bah!) tomorrow night. finally caught the miniseries last night. my first reaction was "wtf? Starbuck's a chick!" haha. but she quickly grew on me, and i like her in the role. the revelation at the end though... my brother and i both blurted out synchronously, "ahhh fuck..." that sucked :p

anyhoo. it's been fun just lazing around on the couch watching the old series today. lots of memories. that was one of my favorite shows as a little kid. my favorite character was, of course, the fuzzy robotic dog/bear thing! and i used to have a toy viper and cylon fighter and all sorts of junk i'd play with all the time.

*geek*

ok, i'm transforming one of those memes into a new one...

the Ten Things I've Done Drunk! meme...

Make a list of 10 things you've done while inebriated:
* 4 of the 10 statements must be lies.
* Post your list and have people guess which four are lies!

1. Snorted lines of sugar and salt
2. Had sex on the hood of a Chevy truck for 4 hours
3. Gotten into a streetfight and ended up in the ER
4. Passed out on BART and woke up in the train yard
5. Tied up a passed out friend and hung him up from a tree branch in the front yard
6. Drank a bottle of prune juice when the booze ran out
7. Went to the grocery store and ate a rotisserie chicken while pretending to shop
8. Lost my pants and walked home half naked
9. Puked chinese food in my girlfriend's hair
10. Gave ballet lessons in the middle of a crowded dive bar

I'll post which are true and which are false tomorrow or the next day :)

Current Mood: amused

memes...

the new year's meme... (first sentence of the first entry of each month last year)

( blah )

whatev...

bahaha... woah, now here's some serious incest goin' on (lj family meme):

( blah blah )

the ten things about me meme:

Make a list of 10 statements about yourself:
* 4 of the 10 statements must be lies.
* Post your list and have people guess which four are lies!

( blah blah blah )

the A to Z meme:

( blah blah blah blah )

Current Mood: bored

so i've had this weird thing for older women with grey/greying hair... and for young moms...

ok, so the grey hair thing isn't new. just seems that lately there have been a much higher alotment of attractive grey haired women coming into the store. and what's with this young mom kick? that's been like one of the biggest turn ons for at least a few months now. not just any moms though. young (20s - early 30s) moms with newborns. there's a vibrance, a glow, that just pulls me in. i don't know if it's because i've been on the wanting to have a baby kick... or if it's because i want to be a baby again and be mothered... or if it's because the moms that have been coming into the store have been just plain hot. who knows.

just a couple trends of attraction i've noticed lately.

and of course the usual crushing which probably won't ever go anywhere thanks to my social retardation and general emotional awkwardness :p

...

and what's with the roads here in tucson?

instead of a dedicated sewer/drainage system, they contour the streets to act like giant rain gutters directing the flow of water... controlled flooding in effect. something that will probably become more of a hassle as the city continues to grow in both size and population.

the lack of sidewalks is fucking annoying at times... being a pedestrian and all... but that's yet another tucsonan oddity. the laws regarding sidewalks are written into property laws... it's up to the property owner as to whether or not to have a sidewalk on the streetfront... and also up to the owner to maintain and upkeep said sidewalk. thus, since no one (except me) in this town walks, there are few dedicated stretches of real sidewalk... which leads also to other oddities... such as the checkerboard effect in a neighborhood where maybe only every other property owner decided to have concrete out front... sometimes not even that many. you could be walking down a single block and change from dirt to concrete to dirt to concrete to gravel to dirt... etc...

another thing... when they repave the streets here, instead of taking manholes and the like into consideration.... they just tear up and pave over everything... then they go back and calculate where underneath the new pavement the manholes and whatnot are... then they tear up to uncover them... then reinforce and build them up to the new street level.

i tell ya... there's a lot of things in this city that just plain don't make sense.

/boggle

had a rather odd dream last night...

and it was one of those rather realistic ones which included going to sleep and waking still withing the same dream.

i was in san diego, and angryasiangrrl and sze were having a party at their place. animaetrix00 picked me up from the airport and we headed over. there was much drinking upon my part and much siliness in general. i think i was the only "guy" there.

(i should've written this all down when i woke up. it's fading fast. we'll see what i can remember)

don't remember much about the actual party now... but afterwards, my brother (not sure when he showed up) and i were walking to my mom's place to crash... apparently there was a setting shift from san diego to san francisco... it was foggy and the streetlamps cast their golden shades downward through the mist... we got there and walked inside. my mom was just leaving to go down clement street and pick up some food for a party. since we'd moved to arizona, apparently she got a poodle. not a little toy one, but a big fella. it had shaggy (rather than fluffy) white hair, and actually looked more like a really large terrier... so she went out and my brother and i went in and crashed.

i awoke to the sounds of a gathering. my brain was addled with the fog of "holy shit i was drunk last night... what did i do? how did i get here?"-ness... there was a cell phone in the pocket of my leather jacket... "crap, i got drunk and stole shit again..." i thought to myself. and i stashed the phone until i could figure out whose it was and what to do with it.

i went out of my room, and there were angryasiangrrl, sze, jenniro, and animaetrix00 along with a handful of others from the party the night previous, including my old high school friend sharon. they were all in their pajamas. angryasiangrrl and sze came up to me and hugged me and said how nice it was to finally meet me. sze began crying, hugged me again and thanked me for helping her last night. i was awash with a sudden guilt as my drunkenness had wiped that memory from mind... and also because i realized then that the cell phone i had was nadine's. i didn't say anything then because i was tongue-tied and guilt ridden. i hugged sze back and said "no worries, love." and we all smiled and they went back to the soiree and i said gimme a minute i'll be right out.

just then, nadine's phone started to ring and i tried to wrap it up and stick it in the closet quick before anyone heard it... d'oh! too late. someone said "hey, i hear your phone!" and angryasiangrrl came in and caught my red handed... i clumsily said "um... here, i found this..." and handed nadine her phone. she looked pissed for a moment, then she just smiled and pointed and waved her finger at me.

then the dream shifted settings...

we were at a large church (i think it was St. Ignatius in SF), and i was being directed to my seat. there were seats and pews set up on the left hand side that were reserved. i was led to my chair at the front of the rear configuration which were facing forward. ahead of us were pews set up facing inward. the priests began coming in. there was a young couple sitting with me. i can't remember who, but apparently i was friends with them... then a procession of people begins passing by... they're all dressed in black, and i realize i know them. angryasiangrrl is all in black with a black lace veil across her face. she and sze wave acknowledgement as they pass by. sharon walked past as well. everyone is crying. it's a funeral.

their friend dayni had died. there was a blood infection that went unseen from her operation. there was nothing they could do.

that's when i woke up.

meh.

Current Mood: weird

last night, the sky was so fucking beautiful that we had to take a Sunset break at work... me, Chuck, Sue, and Toyo all stood out in back of the shop just watching the sky for like ten minutes. thank Goddess, She sure does put on a breathtaking show for us some nights!

tonight, one of the gals who works at La Placita gave me her number... in case i ever need a ride to work :p hehe... she sees me sometimes when i'm walking and always thinks wow. they were locked out tonight, so she came in and called someone to let them in. we chatted a bit, and she seems nice. i don't think she'd kidnap me, hack me up, and feed me to pigs if i were to call her for a ride.

nothing else to report.

gonna doodle a bit this weekend and try to come up with some new keychain designs for work... maybe incorporate some ideas and get crackin on some Gemini tatts i've been asked to draw up ;)

may 6th! *bounce bounce* HG2G, yo! dinner and a movie with a pretty lady to boot ^_^... so hey, all you San Diegans (and soon to be San Diegans), stay tuned as i shall be heading your way for a visit. i'm thinking maybe... thursday may 5th to wednesday may 11... or something like that.

Current Mood: chipper